So there’s that saying “A Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss“. I’m wondering if that’s kind of the situation I’m in right now in relation to performing. Only the moss is symbolic for a depression-type-fog that’s been covering me lately. And this fog makes me analyze myself and my perception of my position in this community.
I question if I am allowed to feel a little burned out from it all. I’m getting the feeling that you are supposed to do as many shows as possible, wherever, whenever, just so you can just to keep yourself going. Don’t give yourself time to think, just keep doing it. And maybe that is good for most people. Maybe its good for me, for the moment that I’m sitting still, I doubt my every move and question my purpose. I over analyze myself to the point that I don’t even exist.
Sometimes I get a little exhausted feeling like I don’t fit in with this scene. Maybe I bring it upon myself, but I cant help it. I think that feeling comes naturally and I don’t know how to change it. I am constantly feeling the one standing alone with everything, the one who isn’t a part of anything but wishes she was. Both literally and symbolically.
And in this lonely feeling, I don’t know where to turn top advise or help of any kind. But I need different kinds of help. I wonder if I should quit the whole pole thing because I wonder if its keeping me apart from everyone. I wonder if I should quit performing all together because I cant keep up with everyone. Having no footing, its making me feeling like I’m falling.
Nobody can help me but me, and that’s very difficult for me to deal with.