I have come to the realization lately that I feel a bit out of place in almost everything I do. I kind of don’t feel like I’m really a part of the pole scene and I’m kind of not part of the burlesque scene.
I thought that if I got into pole, that I would meet more women who were into performing or who had that as a goal of some form. So I got into my classes hoping that I would feel like I belonged in there and make connections with other future performers. After a couple years of the pole classes, even though I get along with everyone just fine and I like the women there, I still feel a bit out of sorts. I don’t know if its because I don’t have kids, or because I don’t live in the suburbs, or if its because I did not get into pole dancing to feel “empowered” (that word irks me), or maybe I listen to different music than most people, spend my spare time doing different things…I feel like a weird one there.
Last fall I went to watch a big pole competition, and while everyone I know who also went felt energized and excited afterward, it was at that show that I truly realized I didn’t belong. I did not leave the show feeling inspired, I left thinking that I am just not the person for this scene. Most of the performers chose less than enthusiastic music (in my opinion), maybe something slow and melodic or something more rock styled, but at the end of the show, seeing all the women perform not once but twice…I couldn’t remember everyone. I only remembered certain moves, but not their routine as a whole. I noticed that there was very little connecting with the audience, almost as if they didn’t care if there was a theater of people watching. (This stuck me as a little odd since I was getting more into the burlesque scene and that stressed on performing outward to the audience and connecting in some way.) Sure they were all strong and flexible and anyone should admire and respect that, but I personally wanted to add a little more of my attitude to pole. (if that’s possible)
So I focused on burlesque. I have a stage pole and did shows. I performed polesque at a big show, at some little shows, the two shows I produced, a couple out of town. I averaged a show a month and while that might sound like chicken shit to full time performers, a show a month totally consumed my life, for each show was a new routine and that became my everything: from researching images to researching music, sewing, practicing, reviewing and re-blocking and then practicing more…each new routine took over every spare minute of my day.
As I focused on burlesque classes (which were amazing), I was too busy to go to pole class, and would only go ever so often just as a way to get a little tiny bit of exercise. I was weakening. I spent my weekends and some week nights attending to as many burlesque shows as I could, to learn even more by watching closely. Watching performers facial expressions, the way they positioned their hands, the way they stood and walked, and hoping that if I studied that I could improve myself as a performer. I feel the only way I can really work on how I carry myself on stage is really to perform more and learn from experience.  I have not performed much, still I’m under 10 shows, which makes me feel like such a phony amongst more seasoned performers.
But right now, I am just so tired. I don’t know if I put too much work into my routines and it has left me mentally drained. As I watch my other burlesque friends perform more, I can’t help but feel like now I don’t fit into burlesque as well. Mostly because in doing polesque…I can not perform at just any place as easily as others. I need venues with space to accommodate the stage pole, and be able to move the stage to the side to allow the other performers in the show space. I cant perform in any place with loud speakers and a couple lights pointed towards a pre-determined area.
I kind of felt like a stranger the last few shows I performed at, maybe because I am new and the other performers were not. Sometimes I wonder if I should bother anymore, if I’m putting so much into performing and getting little in return. The process is enjoyable (its great to set up little goals and accomplish them), but the pay off of the actual shows can be less than expected.  I felt fantastic after a festival in March and after the burlesque bootcamp show in May, but after most shows I honestly don’t feel so positive.
So I take a break, and get back into pole, not to feel “empowered” or “sexy” but because I kind of have grown tired of my current level of skills and I have created a long list of pole poses that I am working on. I want to go to less burlesque shows for a while since I wonder if I have been to too many recently and I am growing weary of it all.  I doubt that I will ever be as busy performing as I have so far these past few months. Not sure if that is a good thing or not. Its nice to be able to have time to really let a routine work its self out with time and not pressure, and its nice to have the time to work on new pole skills as well, and not tell myself “I have to get this move in 2 weeks cause I have a show and would love to do it” only to get to the show realizing that my muscles aren’t ready yet and take it out of the routine 5 minutes before I perform. But also, it was a little fun knowing that once I did one show, I had another to prepare for as soon as possible.
I doubt that I will feel like I’m really a part of the pole dance scene, and I doubt that I will ever feel like I’m a part of the burlesque scene.
I wonder if I need to focus on just accepting that I, a Libra-Scorpio cusp (really, I am) is really just meant to be in between the two scenes.
